Daily Winners

Wartisha Reed, Army

For R&R I went to Italy to see my best friend stationed in Vicenza Italy. We immediatly began to "party like rockstars!" Maybe it was because I hadn’t had any in 8 months...or maybe it was the 10 shots of Jack Daniels? Either way, I ended up in the bathroom. I noticed that he had a water fountain in his bathroom. I started sipping water from it in between vomiting. I eventually passed out with my head in the water fountain.

...the next morning my friend woke me up.

...and that is when I learned what a bidet was. [I Hate The Sand]

Pablo Machin, Army

I was taking a tour of the French Mediterranean Beach, when all of a sudden my tour guide started yelling "Your Fortress is too mighty, We Surrender! We Surrender!"

Then SFC DeBilzan looked at my group and said "There is no need to surrender, I am just making a sand castle with my daughter"

[Standard Operating Procedures]

Corbin Copeland, Army

Standard Operating Procedure for when you get in trouble:

PVT:
1. Accept Blame
2. Do push ups
3. Tell other privates "my NCO is just out to get me"

NCO:
1. Attempt to blame someone else, eventually accept blame.
2. Yell at private
3. Tell everyone "that's how it was done, back when the army was tough"

Warrant Officer:
1. Accept no blame
2. Tell everyone "that is not my job"
3. Be vague if anyone asks you what your job actually is.

Officer:
1. Accept no blame, officers don't make mistakes
2. Yell at NCO for making you look bad in front of a senior officer
3. Make a power point presentation

[My Biggest SNAFU]

Andrew Hooks, National Guard

I am always trying to make my wife laugh so when I went to FT Knox, Kentucky, I thought it would be funny to dress up like the “Hamburgler” and go near the gold depository and take a picture. Well, apparently the guys guarding the gold don’t have such a great of a sense of humor and as their SUV’s were chasing me into the tree line, I thought, “Hmmm… Maybe I should have asked permission first?” Maybe they didn’t like my dirty clothes bag that I had turned inside out and marked with a big black dollar sign?

I called my wife panting like a mild asthmatic having an attack and said, “Hey, honey… I think I messed up. The cops are looking for me…” Well, she didn’t laugh! (Yup, that’s me… this is a true story so if they are looking for me... my name is Sgt Black...yeah)

[military intelligence]

Joseph Myles, Army

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3."

[Hooah]

Lori Cole, Army

I met my husband after he had already been in the army for 8 years. When we were at the church the priest turned to him and said "Scott do you take Lori to be you wife?" He looked deep into my eyes and said "Hooah!"

[The Ten Top Perils of chow hall food]

Derrick Marcantel, Army

1. Steaks can be cooked just the way you like them, very well done or leather

2. You can tell the cook what you want in your omelet, but remember he only takes it as a suggestion.

3. Juice comes in many varities: Apple, Grape and Red

4. The life of meat starts out as a steak, then it becomes fajita strips, next it goes to hamburger meat, after that it is meatloaf. After the meatloaf, it usually gets an odd smell from being so old... and that is when it becomes Tuna!

5. The coffee has been known to cause blindness

6. The Chicken Cordon Bleu looks just the same on the way in, as on the way out.

7. Some times the cooks like to use exotic spices, like salt.

8. Why is it that you can only get one starch, but the desserts are self services?

9. A hamburger is the key to a balanced diet. The bun is so hard it makes you constipated, while the grease of the meat acts as a laxative.

10. Everyone knows that Dr. Fleming discovered Penicillin when he saw mold growing, what few people know is that he found that mold at the 16th SB chow hall.

[Some of the strangest food I ever ate...]

Jim Gonzales, Army

Some of the strangest food I ever ate tried to eat me. The supposable super supper bit me when I began to gnaw down on what I thought was chow. The manic meal turned out to be me grappling with a Blue Crab who wasn’t DOA—dead on Annapolis.

[The most useless piece of equipment they issued me]

Will Gates, Army

My section Sergeant. Or a hammock for the desert.

[When I'm stressed I...]

Dustin Perry, Army

When I'm stressed at work, I blow off a little steam by entering online MWR contests. But then when I don't win I get even more stressed, and I'm back to square one.

[Basic Training]

Bryan Derricott, Army

Captain: Today is the anniversary of Audie Murphy being awarded the MOH, he is the most decorated soldier in the army.

Sergeant: Oh yeah, he only got one of each medal, I have 7 AAMs!

[Organization Days]

Elbert Farley, Army

When Private Snuffy, the duty driver, showed up at the organization day with a half dozen tins of smokeless tobacco, 4 buckets of "Extra Crispy," and assorted fresh facial bruises, the Platoon Sergeant knew he should have been more explicit when he told him to "get dip, pick up the Colonel, and grab some buns at the commissary for the cookout."

[The first thing I'm going to do when I get home...]

Marion Benson, Army

I am currently serving in Afghanistan and the first thing I'm going to do when I get home is hug a woman whose face I can actually see. Kiss a kid not trying to sell me a pirated DVD. Flush a toilet. Take a shower without shower shoes. Eat something besides the ever faithful chicken strip. Watch a real commercial without a cat trying to steal a rabbit's ID. Put on something besides ACU's or PT's. And last but not least, go to sleep without the big voice saying, " The ariel Gunnery Range is now hot."

[Care packages]

Zachary Woods, Army

For as long as I can remember my mother has been against military and war and all that kinda stuff. So as you can imagine she wouldn’t take me being in the military very well. I couldn’t help but laugh the other day when I got a care package from her one day with a worried letter wondering why I’ve been at band camp for 5 years and when I was coming home.

[Port-a-Potty]

SFC Richard DeBilzan

Joke: "Yeah, I never was a very good athlete. I once tried-out to make the school basketball team. Well, after a few shots, the coach yells at me and says "Son, with that kind of aim, you must have been the SOB before me in every Port-a-Potty I've ever been in!"

[Mess and other grub]

Brian Freeman, Army

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[PT]

Scott, Army

I was running by myself one day when I saw a young soldier just jogging when he should be running. I yelled, hey superstar, put some effort into this run! The soldier then turned to me and yelled for me to come over. "Do you know who I am?" he said? "I am 1LT Smith, I am the S-1 OIC for the 83rd Trans Company! Don't mess with me, or I will make sure anything you try to do gets messed up!"

I looked the LT right in the eye and said: "Well sir, do you have any idea who I am?"

He thought for a second and said "I have no idea who you are"

"Well, I know that I am faster than you, so screw you sir! ...and work on your cardio!"

[You Might Be a Soldier Spouse if...]

Patricia Roe-Ellis, Navy

1. You giggle when other military wives talk about the awesome stopping power of the 308 Winchester.
2. You named your son Petraeus.
3. You announce "On the way!" before you break wind
4. Before your son/daughter can use your car they must complete a request for dispatch.
5. Your older kids call the youngest one "private".
6. You refer to General Patton as Him.
7. You refer to the Gulf War as "The big one of 91.”
8. You think hot spots are targets, not clubs.
9. Your dog's name is Petraeus

MAJ Chad Carroll, US Army

"You might be a good solder if you make your kids show you their meal card before sitting down to a family dinner."

[Drill Sergeant]

2d Lt (Air Force) Jeremiah Stamp

Every day, every meal, we waited (at attention) for the "chow runner" to return from the "Snake Pit" (where all drill instructors ate) to let us go eat. One day he strolled outside with his hat in hand. Our drill instructor flipped! Yelling, "Stop! What in the $#@& is wrong with you!" He tried to put the hat on, but the instructor said, "Oh no...come here. I know you're a good airman, that it's not your fault you aren't wearing your hat. It's the bad hat's fault. That hat will get you in trouble and needs to learn a lesson."

He had him hold it at eye level and tell it "It’s a bad hat." The airman says "bad hat."

"No...say it like you mean it. This hat needs to learn its lesson!"

The airman starts yelling "Bad Hat! Bad Hat!"

The drill instructor ordered "Spank your bad hat!" and the airman did. After a few minutes the instructor said, "Bad hat learned his lesson; now put it on your head. You can't leave that hat feeling sad. You have to build its esteem back up. Tell your hat it's a Good hat."

The airman did. The instructor said "Say it like you mean it, your hat doesn't believe you."

"Good hat!" the airman replied.

"Now pet your good hat," our instructor ordered. The airman began stroking his hat.

Needless to say we never forgot to wear our hats again!

[Preparing for Deployment]

Jonathan Byrd, Navy

I've always taken preparation for a deployment very seriously. I really go out of my way to pepare for any scenario I may encounter while out to sea and deployed.

I just wish my family would be more supportive of my 0300 General Quarters drills and daily man overboard musters.

[Down Range]

PS2 Winnie Harvey, Navy

This is a place where you don't want to be on "Taco Night" in the Harvey Household.

[A funny thing happened...]

MAJ Jonathan Riley, AF

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

[PCSing Tales]

SSG Jason Hildebrand

PCSing to me is like winning with a scratch-off lottery ticket. Each time you open a box of your stuff, you have a chance to win a million in broken pieces of your wife's original fine china that you drove to two different countries to find.

[Better than an MRE]

Theresa Paukert, Navy

My dog won't even eat an MRE and he eats cat poop. Now if a dog prefers cat poop to an MRE then you know they are bad. I've smelled the cat litter. Not good. MRE Worse. I think the Pentagon should take a cue from the animals. Make it taste better than cat poop and we wouldn't have to worry about them as WMD's (Weapons of Mass Diarrhea).

[I like to play in the sand]

SFC Richard C. DeBilzan, Army

"Who doesn't like to play in the sand, right? I was on this beach once and I decided to build this sand castle. Why it was so nice and impressive these French tourists came up and surrendered to me..."